Drabbles part 2
by Pom Rania
Summary: Drabbles from OP Fan-for-all, organized by rating; these are T.
1. Crocodile's secret

Prompt: "A theory: what if his [Crocodile's] secret was that he was hot for Iva's female form and/or had a sexual relationship with him/her/it in any form? I certainly wouldn't want that getting out..."

(written 12 October 2009)

* * *

"You did WHAT?!"

Crocodile blushed bright scarlet, the colour making an interesting contrast with his scar. He mumbled something.

"Huh?"

"As a she, Iva's actually pretty hot," he mumbled. "Just -- PLEASE don't tell anyone...."

"Don't tell anyone what?" Luffy wandered over, and casually asked. "That you screwed Iva?"

Heads turned. Luffy's naturally loud voice had carried for quite a distance. Crocodile buried his head in his hand. _My life is OVER_, he thought.


	2. Dreaming of Nami

Prompt: "Based on an episode in Scrubs: each of the Straw Hats imagines being married to Nami. Please use at least one of the quotes: "Life would be so much simpler." "I hate you."-"I know." "Worth it." "Honey, do you think we're pigeonholing the children?" "

(written 13 November 2009)

_

* * *

Resting her chin on her hand, Nami studied her new husband. "I hate you," she suddenly declared._

_Zoro glared back at her. "I know," he impassively said._

_The next day, they filed for divorce. _

* * *

Zoro shuddered in his sleep, and gripped his katanas tighter.

_

* * *

Luffy luxuriated in the treasure his by rights of being the Pirate King, when Nami came in with a shovel and a wheelbarrow. He looked up imploringly at her._

_"Half the treasure, as wife of the Pirate King," she sang as she carted her share out. "By the way," she called over her shoulder, "I've found a map to the legendary Meat Island."_

_He grinned. "Worth it."_

* * *

Luffy began to chew on his pillow.

_

* * *

Nami lay sprawled on their bed, her wedding dress folded neatly beside it; she wore nothing underneath. "Is something the matter, love?"_

_Chopper blushed, grateful for the fur that concealed it. "Before we go any further, there's something we need to discuss," he mumbled. "It's our sexual and reproductive compatibility."_

* * *

Chopper fitfully turned in his hammock.

_

* * *

Sanji stroked his wife's hair. "You are perfection," he whispered, and kissed her. _

_Nami smiled at him. "I love you," she murmured in his ear. They embraced...._

* * *

Sanji nearly fell to the floor with his ecstatic writhing.

_

* * *

Nami cornered her husband, and put her hands on her hips. "I need you to do the laundry, clean the bathroom, buy groceries, mend the fence, wash dishes, and start on supper for tonight; I'd like mutton with pineapple sauce, cucumber salad, and pretzels. Also, you need to finish the baby's room," she added, placing one hand on her pregnant belly._

_"Yes dear," Usopp sighed._

* * *

Usopp turned over and muttered something unintelligible into his pillow.

_

* * *

Nami surveyed her harem. Her jester, flexible as anything; her cook, agile and eager to please; her masseuse, who knew all the sensitive places; her bodyguard, hardy and able to keep going for ages; and her storyteller, adept with his tongue._

_She idly tapped her fingers. "Which one of you shall I have tonight...." she wondered out loud. She smiled. "I know. One at a time, show me the best you can do."_

* * *

Nami wriggled in her sheets, a blush coming to her face.


	3. The wanted poster

Prompt: "Sanji finally gets his photo on a wanted poster. Sadly it is him in his girly Okama island frock looking like he is enjoying himself. Reactions?"

(written 21 November 2009)

* * *

Sanji quickly sized up the gathering of Marines as "not an threat". None of them looked really strong; he could take all of them on by himself in seconds without breaking a sweat, if he had to. But the crew was trying to avoid drawing attention on the island -- probably a lost cause with Luffy, but they could try regardless -- and picking a pointless fight with Marines would _not_ help. They were all engrossed in studying the wanted posters, and didn't notice him.

He casually walked nearer, just to see what was so interesting.

"...such a hot girl...."

His ears perked up. Hot girl? He sidled closer to try and peer over the Marines' shoulders. If they saw him he could always pretend....

"...if I capture her, the bounty will be the _last_ thing on my mind, bet she's real easy and willing to do _anything_ to avoid...."

His face darkened. Such lewd comments about a lady, he would _not_ tolerate. He stepped in, raised a leg to strike --

-- and saw the focus of those "lewd comments".

It was a picture of himself -- _me!_ -- in a dress -- _don't think about it_ -- from when he was on _that_ island -- _no no not another flashback!_ -- and it was the new wanted poster for Sanji Blackleg.

"..."

With one sweep of his leg, the Marines were on the ground, groaning in pain. He paid no further attention to them. They meant nothing. They never had meant anything. Only one thing was important.

A man on a mission, he ran to the Marine outpost and barged in the door. He ignored the cries of "What do you think you're doing!" and "Isn't that a wanted pirate?" and "Somebody call the Marines! Oh wait we are the Marines!" He grabbed the nearest person by the collar, and pulled him up into his face.

"Do you have a camera?" Sanji asked in a dead calm.

The other man blanched. "Y-ye-yes, I d--"

"Good." He smiled tightly. "Be ready to take a picture."

He turned to the assembled crowd of Marines, who still hadn't decided what to do with their sudden intruder. "I am Sanji Blackleg," he screamed, "and I am a MAN!"

He dropped his trousers.

The next time he saw people gathered around the wanted posters, and overheard a comment about something being "small"... he turned and quickly walked away. Some things, he was just better off not knowing about.

* * *

OMAKE

"Sanji, why aren't you wearing any pants in your wanted picture?"

"Uh...."

"Because I came across Robin and Nami giggling about something and they showed me it but I don't get what's so funny about you not wearing pants."

"Well...."

"And when I saw the poster in town somebody had drawn underpants on it and it made you look like Franky and I didn't know you were such good friends with him that he let you wear his underwear."

"I...."

"Then a girl came by and drew hearts all around your picture. Do you have a heart condition or something? Was she your doctor?"

"You see, um.... I need to turn the oven off right now bye!"

Luffy stared at the rapidly vanishing back of his cook, and scratched his neck. "I didn't know you were cooking something."


	4. Bathroom wars

Prompt: "It's early in the morning, and Zoro needs to take a piss. It is Sanji's mission to keep him away from the bathroom for as long as possible because: a)Someone is already in there doing something that Zoro must not find out about. b)It is Sanji's latest form of torturing marimo. c)It's not about keeping him away from the bathroom, it's about how long he can keep Zoro by his side. d)Something else you can think up."

(written 23 November 2009)

* * *

Zoro pounded on the door. "Dammit cook, I need to get in there!"

Sanji laughed, muffled by the door. "Tough, marimo. I got here first."

"You've been in there for fifteen damn minutes! What are you doing, jerking off or something?"

"Wouldn't you like to know."

"Keep your fagginess to yourself. Get the hell out _now_, I can't hold it any more." Zoro hesitated. He _really_ didn't want to resort to such a cheap trick; but he equally needed to go, so anything was fair. "Fine, then I'll just use Nami's --"

Sanji burst out, wearing only a towel around his waist and with his hair brushed back from his face. "If you even _think_ about it, I'll --"

Zoro never heard what Sanji would do, as he took advantage of the cook's distraction to slip into the bathroom. He bolted the door behind him, and finally got to relieve his full bladder. "Sucker."


	5. Strange things happen on the Grand Line

Prompt: "Sanji/Nami/Zoro. Eventually Nami gets pregnant with one of their child. This obviously causes a huge fight."

(written 20 January 2010)

* * *

Naturally, Sanji and Zoro had been kicked out of the sickbay turned delivery room, after a) continuing the long-standing fight as to who was the father of Nami's unborn child, which b) knocked over a stack of Chopper's precious medical texts, and c) caused the soon-to-be mother to yell herself hoarse at both of them, telling them to _shut the hell UP_ or she'd castrate both of them with her bare hands.

They waited outside the door and glared at each other, interspersed with periods of listening to their love give birth and worrying about her. Finally, Chopper opened the door and said that they were allowed to come in, that both the mother and daughter were fine.

Nami held baby Mikan -- she'd said that the child would be named Mikan if female, Kin if male -- close to her chest. Zoro and Sanji stared at the girl; she had curly eyebrows, and hair streaked with green and orange.

Sanji turned to Chopper. "Is that even medically possible?"


	6. Abuse of DF powers

Prompt: "Robin and Trafalgar Law become best friends when they realize that Law can separate guys' dicks from them, and Robin can make it look like they have a vagina. Then they giggle in the corner while the guys freak out."

(written 2 February 2010)

* * *

Usopp was the first to notice; and his shrieks echoed throughout the Sunny. "It's gone!"

The noise woke Luffy up. As he went to see what the commotion was, he sleepily scratched his crotch -- and stopped when he felt an unfamiliar lack of flesh. "Huh?"

Sanji's reaction was the most passive. When he discovered that he had apparently switched genders overnight, he simply fell out of bed and curled into a ball.

Franky didn't say anything, but he did make a beeline to his workshop, a determined look on his face. _What's one more cyborg part_, he thought.

Zoro didn't even wake up.

Chopper joined Usopp in frantically screaming and running around the Sunny, and tripped over the catatonic Sanji on the way there.

Off in a corner, two people watched the unfolding chaos.

"What do you think?" Robin asked, occasionally blushing as someone -- probably Luffy -- explored the new parts of "his" anatomy.

Trafalgar Law grinned widely and turned to his new best friend. "You're right. This is _hilarious_."


	7. Psycho bastard

Prompt: "Doflamingo and Crocodile coming across each other on some island, and Doflamingo annoying the hell out of Crocodile by following him around with persistent flirting and getting all touchy feely. As soon as Crocodile starts to lose his temper and is about beat the crap out of Doflamingo with his logia power, it starts to rain. Cue in Doflamingo's shit-eating grin and Crocodile's look of utter horror. I'd prefer it if it was set during the time when Crocodile is still shichibukai, but if you want you can set it earlier or later."

(written 1 April 2010)

* * *

Sir Crocodile had some very specific personal names for his fellow Shichibukai. Moria was "the fugly bastard". Kuma was "the furry bastard". Hancock was "the prissy bitch". Mihawk was "the freaky bastard". Jimbei was "the blue bastard". And finally, Doflamingo was "the psycho bastard", although he was currently considering changing the name to "the psycho pain-in-the-ass bastard".

Said pain in the ass sidled closer to Crocodile, invading his personal space, and grinned. "I just love this country of yours," he purred. "It's so beautiful, and hot. It fits you perfectly...."

"Gah! Don't touch me there! Get the hell away from me, you psychotic freak asshole son of a bitch!"

For the rest of the day, Doflamingo continued to stalk him. Crocodile tried everything to get the freak off of his tail: he'd discorporate, cause a sandstorm, and fly to the other side of the desert; but no matter what, his stalker was always nearby. Finally, he'd had enough.

"_Sables_--"

"Wait," Doflamingo interjected, and pointed upward.

Crocodile looked at the dark clouds, and felt his stomach sink. He hadn't even noticed them gathering, and just because the sky hated him, it unleashed the downpour on him. "Oh, _fuck_," he breathed as rain soaked into his clothes.

Doflamingo's smile widened until it was fit to split his face. "Exactly."


	8. The Talk

Prompt: "Shanks having to give Luffy 'the talk' because Luffy walked in on him and Makino having sex."

(written 14 June 2010)

* * *

Shanks shook his head. He was a grown man, he shouldn't be blushing at the concept of sexual intercourse. Apparently, however, it becomes a lot different when you're trying to explain it to a seven-year-old kid who walked in on you doing it with a woman who was nearly his surrogate mother.

"Um, well," he started up for the third time, "you see, when a man and a woman - not a boy and a girl, they're too young - when they really love each other, that's where babies come from... You know the physical difference between boys and girls?" He looked up to see Luffy picking his nose, staring at him as if he'd been speaking total gibberish.

He swore under his breath. He wished saying "go ask your father" was an option, but the boy's parents hadn't been around for years, as far as he knew, and Garp was _not_ an option. He sighed. It was up to him. He'd just have to try again.

"Remember when the neighbour's dog had puppies...?"


End file.
